Tell the Devil I'm Driving

Author: Tracey COOPER

Apr 2025

The weight I carried (poem)
| More |: The weight I carried (poem)
Apr 2025

Where are you? (Poem)
| More |: Where are you? (Poem)
Apr 2025

Freedom. Just another thought….
| More |: Freedom. Just another thought….
Apr 2025

Still rising (personal note)
| More |: Still rising (personal note)
Apr 2025

Chapter 4, First Love. DIVORCED, DAMAGED AND DANGEROUS
| More |: Chapter 4, First Love. DIVORCED, DAMAGED AND DANGEROUS
Apr 2025

Days like this ….
| More |: Days like this ….
Apr 2025

Just a note. Sometimes healing starts with honesty—the kind that makes you uncomfortable before it sets you free. This piece is one of those moments. A reflection on love, boundaries, and finally choosing yourself without guilt. For anyone who’s ever felt too loyal, too giving, or just too much—this one’s for you.
| More |: Just a note. Sometimes healing starts with honesty—the kind that makes you uncomfortable before it sets you free. This piece is one of those moments. A reflection on love, boundaries, and finally choosing yourself without guilt. For anyone who’s ever felt too loyal, too giving, or just too much—this one’s for you.
Apr 2025

Chapter Three: First Love. By MissT. Before the damage, before the danger — there was love.My first.The kind that flips your heart and hijacks your thoughts.The kind you never really recover from, even when the world moves on.This is where my story begins.The first time I saw S, my heart did a back flip.Tall, dark, and handsome — literally.With blue eyes darker and deeper than the Med.I was a shy 11-year-old in my first year at comp, and I didn’t have a clue what had just happened to my heart.But he had it — right from the start.His mate asked me out on the school bus, but I told him straight: “Your friend’s more my type.”I couldn’t believe I was bold enough to say it.As I ran off the bus, I was mortified — and elated. My secret was out.It became years of eye tennis.A glance in the hallway. A faint smile on the bus.For so long, he was my reason to go to school.Just one look would lift me.I loved him quietly. Fiercely.I replayed every moment in my head like a song on repeat.It was an unspoken love — my first.And nothing has ever come close.By 15, we were going steady.He’d walk me home, and we’d hang out at his parents’ place, surrounded by vinyl and guitars.Whitesnake. Marillion. Gary Moore.His music became mine.To this day, Is This Love and Kayleigh take me straight back to us — young, wide-eyed, and full of hope.His room was full of vinyl — from Debbie Gibson to AC/DC.We’d lie on his bed, watch TV, and make love.I was smitten.He made the dark feel light again.He was the fire in the dimness.He made me believe I was worthy of love.And I loved him. All of him.He was my protector, and I was his.To this day, I still remember what that felt like.It was everything good in a life full of torture and drunken rants.He saved me once — maybe more than once.She was screaming, punching me.He kicked the front door in and took me out of that house.I stayed with his mum that night.He was the superhero who replaced my dad.The knight in shining armour, right when I needed one.He had to rescue me so many times — until I realised I had to rescue myself.I was living between my mum’s and dad’s houses, but his new wife didn’t want me there.Eventually, things got unbearable.I was thrown out of my dad’s for a “funky” sandwich box under the bed.Left in a magnolia B&B room with blue curtains and no warmth.S’s mum wasn’t having it.She told my father I’d be staying with them.He said, “If she’s any trouble, ring me.”I remember the look she gave him — like, Trouble? Really?I stayed with them for six weeks.S gave up his room and moved in with his gran.His brother’s girlfriend was there too, escaping her own chaos.It felt like a house full of misfits.I was grateful, but I was also ashamed.Unwanted. Like a headache no one could shift.My dad found me a job, and S’s mum lent me a blouse for the interview.I moved into a shared house.S came every night.I wanted to be with him every hour of every day, and nothing was going to stop me.That passion — that urgency — led us to live together far too young.Me, to escape my mother.Him, to escape his dad.At first it was comfort.Routine.Love.But soon, tensions surfaced.After arguments, I’d try to walk away and cool off.He’d block the door.Contain me.It felt suffocating — like I was being marked in netball.No space to breathe.The relationship started to crack.I loved him more than I loved myself.But we were too young.Too broken.Too desperate to escape our own homes.That’s all we were doing — running from pain, not toward each other.By 18, we had a room in a cottage in Jersey Marine.At first, it felt like freedom — Pizza Hut dinners, wild nights, us against the world.But within 18 months, and a string of addresses, we’d become volatile.I scratched. I ran.He restrained. He held.The more I fought, the worse it got.All I knew was conflict.All he knew was control.We were just 19 and 20, playing house with no tools for love.My heart shattered in pieces, over and over.The bruises were real — on our skin, on our spirits.And yes, I always came off worse.I wanted out.I wrote to Dear Deirdre.She told me to leave.And someone at work started showing interest — and I left.Not kindly.Not cleanly.And I regret that part the most.Because S and his family gave me everything when I had nothing.But we were never going to make it. Not like that.His ways were violent — and I accepted that.Because in my eyes, that was my fault.That’s what I evoked in people.Just like I did with my mother.I was the fiery girl who wouldn’t do as she was told.Who would kiss other men.Who ran constantly from his heart because I was scared to death of ending up like my mum.Vulnerable. A shell of a woman who had let love destroy her.And I wasn’t about to become the next sad victim of it.Eventually, it was so volatile I had to go.I had to leave my hometown.I left my first love not to chase someone else ,but to run from a version of myself I couldn’t survive being anymore.And I did get away.I moved to Cardiff.But I never forgot him.Or what his family did for me.I was angry.Full of rage.And I had nowhere to put it.So I burned bridges and told myself the grass was greener.It wasn’t.It never is.That was the first time I realised love isn’t always enough.And sometimes, the damage we carry writes the ending long before we get to turn the page.I was too young to know how to love gently.Too desperate to stay.And too afraid to admit I didn’t know who I was without the chaos.But that girl — scared, fiery, and full of longing —She became MissT.Divorced. Damaged. And dangerous.And this?This was just the start.
| More |: Chapter Three: First Love. By MissT. Before the damage, before the danger — there was love.My first.The kind that flips your heart and hijacks your thoughts.The kind you never really recover from, even when the world moves on.This is where my story begins.The first time I saw S, my heart did a back flip.Tall, dark, and handsome — literally.With blue eyes darker and deeper than the Med.I was a shy 11-year-old in my first year at comp, and I didn’t have a clue what had just happened to my heart.But he had it — right from the start.His mate asked me out on the school bus, but I told him straight: “Your friend’s more my type.”I couldn’t believe I was bold enough to say it.As I ran off the bus, I was mortified — and elated. My secret was out.It became years of eye tennis.A glance in the hallway. A faint smile on the bus.For so long, he was my reason to go to school.Just one look would lift me.I loved him quietly. Fiercely.I replayed every moment in my head like a song on repeat.It was an unspoken love — my first.And nothing has ever come close.By 15, we were going steady.He’d walk me home, and we’d hang out at his parents’ place, surrounded by vinyl and guitars.Whitesnake. Marillion. Gary Moore.His music became mine.To this day, Is This Love and Kayleigh take me straight back to us — young, wide-eyed, and full of hope.His room was full of vinyl — from Debbie Gibson to AC/DC.We’d lie on his bed, watch TV, and make love.I was smitten.He made the dark feel light again.He was the fire in the dimness.He made me believe I was worthy of love.And I loved him. All of him.He was my protector, and I was his.To this day, I still remember what that felt like.It was everything good in a life full of torture and drunken rants.He saved me once — maybe more than once.She was screaming, punching me.He kicked the front door in and took me out of that house.I stayed with his mum that night.He was the superhero who replaced my dad.The knight in shining armour, right when I needed one.He had to rescue me so many times — until I realised I had to rescue myself.I was living between my mum’s and dad’s houses, but his new wife didn’t want me there.Eventually, things got unbearable.I was thrown out of my dad’s for a “funky” sandwich box under the bed.Left in a magnolia B&B room with blue curtains and no warmth.S’s mum wasn’t having it.She told my father I’d be staying with them.He said, “If she’s any trouble, ring me.”I remember the look she gave him — like, Trouble? Really?I stayed with them for six weeks.S gave up his room and moved in with his gran.His brother’s girlfriend was there too, escaping her own chaos.It felt like a house full of misfits.I was grateful, but I was also ashamed.Unwanted. Like a headache no one could shift.My dad found me a job, and S’s mum lent me a blouse for the interview.I moved into a shared house.S came every night.I wanted to be with him every hour of every day, and nothing was going to stop me.That passion — that urgency — led us to live together far too young.Me, to escape my mother.Him, to escape his dad.At first it was comfort.Routine.Love.But soon, tensions surfaced.After arguments, I’d try to walk away and cool off.He’d block the door.Contain me.It felt suffocating — like I was being marked in netball.No space to breathe.The relationship started to crack.I loved him more than I loved myself.But we were too young.Too broken.Too desperate to escape our own homes.That’s all we were doing — running from pain, not toward each other.By 18, we had a room in a cottage in Jersey Marine.At first, it felt like freedom — Pizza Hut dinners, wild nights, us against the world.But within 18 months, and a string of addresses, we’d become volatile.I scratched. I ran.He restrained. He held.The more I fought, the worse it got.All I knew was conflict.All he knew was control.We were just 19 and 20, playing house with no tools for love.My heart shattered in pieces, over and over.The bruises were real — on our skin, on our spirits.And yes, I always came off worse.I wanted out.I wrote to Dear Deirdre.She told me to leave.And someone at work started showing interest — and I left.Not kindly.Not cleanly.And I regret that part the most.Because S and his family gave me everything when I had nothing.But we were never going to make it. Not like that.His ways were violent — and I accepted that.Because in my eyes, that was my fault.That’s what I evoked in people.Just like I did with my mother.I was the fiery girl who wouldn’t do as she was told.Who would kiss other men.Who ran constantly from his heart because I was scared to death of ending up like my mum.Vulnerable. A shell of a woman who had let love destroy her.And I wasn’t about to become the next sad victim of it.Eventually, it was so volatile I had to go.I had to leave my hometown.I left my first love not to chase someone else ,but to run from a version of myself I couldn’t survive being anymore.And I did get away.I moved to Cardiff.But I never forgot him.Or what his family did for me.I was angry.Full of rage.And I had nowhere to put it.So I burned bridges and told myself the grass was greener.It wasn’t.It never is.That was the first time I realised love isn’t always enough.And sometimes, the damage we carry writes the ending long before we get to turn the page.I was too young to know how to love gently.Too desperate to stay.And too afraid to admit I didn’t know who I was without the chaos.But that girl — scared, fiery, and full of longing —She became MissT.Divorced. Damaged. And dangerous.And this?This was just the start.
Apr 2025

Chapter 2. Growing Up in the 70s
| More |: Chapter 2. Growing Up in the 70s
Apr 2025

Chapter 1. where to start…
| More |: Chapter 1. where to start…