The letter I’ll never send.

The Letter I’ll Never Send

Sometimes closure isn’t about a response. It’s about finally saying the words you’ve carried in your heart for decades. This is mine.

Dear S,

I’ve carried you in my heart for more than thirty years, and it’s time I finally let these words out.

I loved you. I still do, in a way that’s never gone away, even after four marriages and a lifetime’s worth of changes. You were the one place I felt truly safe. You loved me with a loyalty and a purity I have never felt from anyone else, and I have never stopped missing that. I have never stopped missing you.

We were so young. Too young to know how rare what we had was. I made mistakes that broke us. I cheated, and that is something I will always regret. I hurt you deeply, and there hasn’t been a single year where I haven’t thought about the pain I caused. The guilt and the what-ifs have been a shadow I’ve carried through every chapter of my life.

The other night I dreamt of you. You were twenty again—the age we were when it all ended—and you still loved me. I kept telling you I’m fifty-five now, that when I woke up you wouldn’t be there and I would cry. And that’s exactly what happened. That dream reminded me of how long I’ve been holding onto you, how much a part of me you still are, even after all this time.

I know this might not be easy to read if it ever finds you. I’m not writing to disrupt your life or upset the apple cart. I know you may be with someone now, and the last thing I would ever want is to cause problems for you. This isn’t about trying to change anything or ask anything of you.

I just need you to know how deeply sorry I am for the way I left things. Sorry for hurting the boy who gave me nothing but love. And I need you to know that, despite my mistakes, my love for you has never completely died. If you ever think back on me, I hope you can do so with some softness in your heart.

Because no matter where life has taken us, I will always be grateful for you. You were my first real love, and a part of me will always love you.

This is my closure.

With love,
MissT

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To my readers:

First love leaves a mark that time can’t erase. It’s the love we measure others against, the one that shapes us even when life takes us down different roads. Carrying regret for years can be heavy, and sometimes the only way to release it is to finally say the words you’ve never said out loud.

If you’ve been holding on to something—or someone—maybe this is your reminder to let it go, to find your own closure in whatever way feels right for you. We can’t rewrite the past, but we can choose to stop letting it weigh down our future.