The day I chose alone

It was a new something for me.  Being by myself. I am trying to navigate the boredom of amusing myself for the first time ever.  No kids constantly round me.  No husband demanding my time.  Glowing up.  Getting published was something I achieved in 3 short months by being by myself

And then i met someone. It went quickly from 0 to 60 and recently we have both pulled on the brakes.  Red flags were initially ignored until I couldn’t ignore my gut anymore.  His very close relationship to his ex,  his dependant style on her and his parents for money.  Chain smoking and also an admittance to having a drinking problem.  Boy I can pick them.  6 weeks went by and I realised his lifestyle didn’t suit mine.  A walk round a lake was interrupted by stopping at each bench for a cigarette. The days rolled into me visiting his flat.  Buying him food and alcohol, and waiting for him to show up and show me some affection.  It left me resenting him.  I left one relationship to stop being the Rescuer and here I was again with somebody older and even more incapable of independence.  I got more and more frustrated till I just blew a gasket and couldn’t do it anymore.  I felt empty.  Because he just could not give me back the love I craved.  I said some hurtful things to him.  Had a melt down.  Told him I couldn’t accept his friendship with his ex as it made me feel insecure. I could not cope with him leaning on me to do everything.  It was just totally one sided. 

And so yesterday after a few days to cool down I went to see him.  He looked frail. His eczema flared up.  His hands shook.  And I knew I’d upset him.  But the urge to be with him was no longer there.  My maternal side kicked in.  And I wanted to take care of him.  Truth is i can’t make him better.  Only he can.  And right now I don’t think he can.  It’s heartbreaking to watch.  But I’m helpless.  I’ve tried suggesting the GP. AA. And shout the texting service.  But he doesn’t seem ready.  Why is life throwing me curveballs?

Is it too much to expect reciprocal affection?

I’m beginning to give up on men but I’m never giving up on me. X