So you know…..

I saw your name appear in my algorithm

in my messenger

Just one day after I wrote a poem about you.

And so I decided to write one final time.

So that you know…

I don’t hate you.
That would mean I still care that much. And I don’t
Not like before.

But I remember you
when it rains,
when Kayleigh sneaks through the speakers,
when your music still finds its way into my day
like it never left.

You don’t even know this,
but your music shaped me.
It soundtracked a version of me
no one else ever got to meet.

I wrote poems for you then
The Rose was yours.

My kids don’t believe I’ve always written
but you know.
You saw it early.
You smelled it in the pages
Love Is Soap and White Musk and innocence.

Your padded cards,
your letters
I still have them.

And what on earth was I thinking
when I left you?

I was crazy.
Running from a love I couldn’t handle.
Running to Cardiff from the very people
who were supposed to love me
but broke me instead.

So young. So burned. So lost.

But I’m stronger now.
Wiser too.
The grey in my hair tells me so.

And I know I have a massive task ahead
my health,
my future.
And if I don’t come through…

Just know this:
At least you knew
Today and then, that it was real
And I know that,
because it still burns
in both of us.

I’m not running anymore.
I’m standing.
In the shadows of guilt.
And rising anyway.

If you ever find your way back,
not to stay,
just to say hello
I’ll recognise you.
And I’ll be okay.

Because your memory makes me happy. And you deserve to know that.

YOU ARE GOLD

xxx